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The Blessings it Brings to our Children When We Stay Married
Posted under marriage retreat
My grown son needed a break from the world. So he came home. I was so happy to have him home, for a short time, and to have him all to our selves. For a few short days, it felt like it did when he was young. When he was living at home with us. Oh how I miss those days.
Having my son back home made me so grateful that I had hung in with my marriage through forty-eight years. That I hadn’t thrown in the towel during tough times. Having my son return home, when he needed a retreat from the world, reminded me of why it was so important for me to endure those years and do all I could to keep my marriage and family together. It was a great comfort to my son to be able to come home to mom and dad when he needed to.
For me it was the reward for the hard work, sacrifice and endurance I lived through trying to survive many difficult times. I was so thankful to be able to give him a safe haven from the world and help him get himself back together so he could return to his life refreshed and ready to handle what came his way.
It became painfully clear to me what the consequences would now be if I hadn’t done all I could to keep my marriage together. My children may not have had a place of refreshment to come to if my husband and I had divorced.
I remembered times when I felt like giving up and walking away. Now I know why I didn’t and why I should not have. My grown children and grandchildren have roots. They have a family they can count on. A family that is still intact. A safe haven where they can still find love and encouragement. How sad it would be if there were no safe place for them to go.
I’m so thankful that I am able to provide that for them now. Also how very much I appreciate having a home they like to come home to. I have the blessing of knowing they want to come home to their mom and dad
I believe, in the long run, we did ok as parents because that they still feel close to us, feel loved by us and in return love us.
I’m not saying it is easy to keep my marriage together. Living with another person is never easy. We each have different beliefs of how our lives should be and how our partners should be. We often see our problems, as being the fault of our mates. Very seldom do we see where we have made mistakes or are doing wrong. We each expect the perfect mate who knows exactly how to fill our needs and how to love us.
Unfortunately not too many of us have a clue on how to fill our mates needs, let alone how to love them the way they want or deserve to be loved. We are each trying to figure life out ourselves. We are also trying to figure out just how to make it in the world. We are trying to learn how to provide, raise our children, get ahead, find personal success and just simply survive. It’s hard.
The biggest reason there are so many divorces is because we all have so many unfulfilled expectations of our mates. We really expect perfection from them. We want them to always be who we think they should be. We want perfection but we are unable to provide it for them. They are not perfect and neither are we, so how can we expect it from them?
I have discovered, after 48 years of marriage, that the best thing we can do to keep our family together is to love our mates and serve them. To give them more than 100% without expecting anything in return. This sounds very out of style. But, as long as we always expect things from our mates, in most cases we just won’t get them. So it is better for us to do the giving and eventually they may catch on and start giving back to us.
This happened in my marriage. It took us a long time to get to know each other and to learn to love each other and to know how to be selfless and fulfill each other’s needs.
For a marriage to work it takes commitment and sacrifice. It takes thinking of our mates more than ourselves. It takes a desire to get along and to learn to like each other. It takes patience and kindness and understanding. But mostly it takes the desire to stick to it and make it work doing everything we must for that to happen.
I’m so thankful my husband and I have survived the hard times of our marriage. I’m so thankful we appreciate the good times we now have together. But I am especially thankful that we did stick together because it took years to learn to love each other as we do now and the blessing is that our love has build that safe haven for our son to return to when he needed a respite from the world. Whatever it took to get us where we are today was worth it.
I pray that you too will do all you can to make your marriage work so your grown children will also have a safe haven to return when they need it.
Eva Fry
http://www.articlesbase.com/marriage-articles/the-blessings-it-brings-to-our-children-when-we-stay-married-136633.html
Plse -a mature knowledgeable practising deeni advise me?
I am a revert to Islam – Alhumdillah of one year tomorrow.
It has been the hardest journey for me – emotionally. A little background is that I am from an all-English catholic family disapproving of my conversion. 2 months ago, I became a second wife. Which was painful to me but an opening from Allah. I am so wanting to do good with what Allah has entrusted to me after many months in darkness & pain. Plse can u offer me some sound advice in my path. I want my marriage to work. I want to strengthen my husbands deen & my own. I want for us to stay on this path together. His 1st wife is a non-practising Christian, they have been married since school & share children. My husband had advised married young & long-term regret. That as a Muslim his faith has become more & more important 2 him with age & this was a big problem in his marriage. 1st wife refuses Islam – children raised as non-Muslim’s & 1st wife declaring she will never accept Islam. Husband not attracted to wife 4 many yrs & had transgressed from the marriage & his deen many times & sick of being sick. On meeting me – then a non-Muslim. He returned to practising his faith & stated I inspired him to become close to his deen & thankful to Allah for all that had been missing from his life. That was exactly how I felt upon meeting him – then a Catholic. I began prayer & began to be of God & life. My life crashed when I discovered he was married. We separated, but I continued into learning Islam & found my path- subhanallah converting months later. Much changed in my life but I clung to Allah in my darkest times. A new revert, with no Muslim friends or family – contemplating my path ahead alone, on my knee’s praying to Allah to take the pain of him away from me if it was not his will for us to love & teach each other. After Ramadan out of the blue, I got a call from his sister inviting me for dinner with the family. He proposed – explaining that I was his soul mate, that he felt Allah had brought me to his life & he wanted to be halal & for us to lead an Islamic life together & never part & for him to change everything in his life for Haj this year. The greatest blessing from Allah to me. Paths opened with his family –I love as my own & blessings from his mother and imam in our marriage. My husband explained that his marriage to his 1st wife was over & divorce pending. We married islamically not to transgress in ungratefulness to Allah in anyway & I hoped to bring him all that had been missing as a wife and islamically. But there is no divorce – it’s not even filed. Although he lives with me, he has not shared our marriage with his 1st wife or the community. He keeps us separate & will not bring his children to our home. He still paying RIBA on his 1st marriage home by way of mortgage & no talk of haj now. I try & entice him to read with me & teach me Arabic but he always promises he will & never does. He rarely prays with me & I want this so much. I also have to work & provide for myself & all the bills in our marriage, whilst he provides me odd presents for the home. He also is preventing us from children. He has become private in his contact with his 1st wife & children & started going out of the house more and more each evening.
I don’t want to let him down or Allah down. Plse can u advise me how to bring his heart back to his deen & me. Also if there are any second wives out there, I would really love to hear from u. Im new to Islam & need to get this right for the future.
Darcy – Plse, this took much for me. Maybe u speak the truth but not on my part -Allah knows my truth & intention.
you make it sound like its all good since you throw so much religion in the story but really all you are is the mistress …you can say second wife as many times as you want but really you are just a dark secret he keeps in a closet to play with once in a while…you are not sharing a life with him you are just sharing a bed
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O M.G let me search 4 a mature knowledgeable practicing deeni adviser 4 your Q it is not easy 2 find this quality of person in Y/A May Allah help U.
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woman to woman………… he is using you. he should let his first wife know of you. it is your right to be seen as his wife to the community.
and it is your right to have children. this alone u can ask for divorce.
and also you have the right to be support by him.
if he isnt doing all this………… then he really isnt your husband.
im sorry. i would pray and ask for strength to leave before it gets worse. but dont think All muslims r this way. many men are very good.
salaam
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Most of the Muslim posters here are teenagers. Not that there’s anything wrong with that but you’d be hard pressed to find (a)mature and (b)knowledgeable Muslim around these parts. Most likely you’ll get copy/pasta.
Although I do agree with the answer that said he is just using you for sex. You should tell him to cut the crap or leave and find someone who is not ashamed of you.
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Disclaimer: this is kafir advice.
mashalah, you are a great Muslimah, I wish more Muslims women to be like you.
my only advice is to stay strong and walk on the same path that you are walking in.
maybe marrying him was a risk that you took, but again, maybe not.
this is for you to decide.
you know the situation more than anyone else.
but I will tell you, if this marriage will affect you, or your religion or even the way you practice your religion, in a negative way, then I think that you should consider the "leaving him" option.
or at least talk frankly with him to see where are the things between the two of you are going.
may Allah bless and protect you
enshalah everything will turn up to be perfect.
@EDIT
people she said that he was devorcing his wife when she married him.
so she didnt want to be a 2nd wife in the first place.
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Oh, this absolutely breaks my heart.
Sweetheart, do you honestly believe this is what God wants from you? Do you think this is His big plan for you? Do you feel at peace with yourself and your life?
Don’t look to Islam for answers. Look to God. He will provide all of the strength and wisdom and guidance and comfort that you need so long as you ask for it.
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I’m not very knowledgeable at all, but i found this for you:
Validity of marrying a second wife for mere love and without consent of first wife:
http://www.islam-qa.com/en/ref/61/
I’d like to highlight that he should be treating both his wives equally
in keeping you a secret, he’s not treating you equally is he?
I, as an inexperienced muslima, highly suggest you speak to him clearly about your concerns about being kept secretly
It does not seem that he can easily support two wives and I feel that you can do better w/someone who will provide you with their full affections and support
also:
"He returned to practising his faith & stated I inspired him to become close to his deen & thankful to Allah for all that had been missing from his life"
did you see this in his actions and behavior or did he just tell you that?
I feel that the fact that ‘he was becoming closer’ yet continuing to see you as a married man contradicts that.
He should’ve taken the correct actions of divorce and set himself straight or given you up completely and devoted himself to becoming a better husband. It’s not fair to keep a practicing sister like you for himself if he doesn’t treat you right!
peace
Wallahu A’lam
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I understand you are in a difficult position–but it’s a position that you must have anticipated. Men–whether they are Muslims or not–are notorious for promising to leave their wife when they meet somebody new that they want but then renege on that promise. It seems that you either need to have a frank conversation with your husband and ask him to choose between the two of you, or accept your position as the 2nd wife but insist on equal time with his first wife. If that doesn’t work, talk with the first wife and let her know the situation. That would force your husband to make the kind of decisions that he has been avoiding.
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Get real and stop living in fantasy land. He is married to someone else. He has told you all the classic `my wife doesn’t understand me` stories. You are not his wife, you are his mistress. He’s having his cake and enjoying eating it and you are a foolish girl.
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from grand father / scholar
there are 3 issues here:
him,
you,
his ex,…
him = still woundering around soul,
you= your sincerity made you like riding in a rocket= all engines go, but not as fast as you wish
ya_shami@yahoo.ca
feel free to ask me about deen/ religion or family advices
remember, you did not find Allah swt [all praise to Him] but, He called you
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